Exposing myself

Dear readers -

As I considered the various things to post about today, I carefully weighed the pros and cons of each of my ideas, but felt that something was missing from each of them. And so, I thought more. What stroke of genius can I bring to KT fans today? What other way can I mock someone, expose myself or ridicule the President?

I decided that exposing myself is the way to go. I've done enough of it already, so why stop now?

For any other fellow mommy's out there, I think we can all agree that we have very little left to hide once we've birthed a child and breastfed for a while. Really - where has the privacy gone? The reality is this: There is no time for modesty in motherhood.

And so, for your amusement, I will reveal that my obsessive desires to stalk and control every ounce of my daughter's day, in my absence, have peaked to an all-time high. My watch level is higher than the government's useless terrorist alert color coding system that no one understands but just creates panic and hysteria in the streets. I'm like a liberal, sane, attractive and not psychotic John Ashcroft up there, people, declaring the alert level is now higher than red. It's like neon orange. (and for the record, I allow statues with a woman's exposed bosom to stand behind me when at the podium).

Is it because she's mobile now?

Is it because she's more curious about the world and communicating more clearly? Not only can she point out a hat or something that is hot, she also is busting out in Spanish, asking for aqua when thirsty. Clearly she is a baby genius, right?

And so, my obsessive desire to make sure her day is fulfilled, challenging, adventurous and encouraging of her creative spirit, is spilling over into new levels of insanity.

Over the course of the last two weeks, I have found myself second-guessing, questioning and doubting my nanny at every turn.

Fortunately, KT is not stupid. I know that the nanny is the most important person in my life after my child (and my husband, of course. yeah right) - and so I treat her with the utmost kindness and friendship (example: three big gifts for her daughter's 4th birthday yesterday).

But when she leaves - you better believe I am left wondering, why wasn't she out in the playroom with darling daughter AGAIN tonight, why is she giving her so much cheese, is she pumping her with cookies instead of fruit, did she read her a book, why was darling daughter crying when I called, she NEVER cries when we are home (yeah, right), and so on and so forth.

After a year of having her come every single day, why have I found myself more obsessed with how she plans out my daughter's days? I've even retired the baby tracker. And yet, I find myself considering a nanny cam (don't worry, I would never) and encouraging my mom to drop by on unscheduled and ambush style visits.

Where is this coming from?

Is it rooted in my ongoing desire to work less and be home more? And so, the only way I can compensate is by overly obsessing over what happens when I am gone?

Is it stemming from the fact that my darling baby is clearly a toddler now - one with a voracious appetite to learn and explore - and I want to make sure she is being challenged enough?

I really have no idea.

But you can bet your bottom dollar, I am obsessed. It's sad, but true, dear friends.